Attacking the Roots of Sibling Rivalry, Part 3 of 3

by Dr. Todd Cartmell
7/14/2006
As you probably know quite well, children can find almost anything to compete over. Most sibling competition has at its core the desire to reinforce one central message: I AM SPECIAL!

The desire to feel special is not unique to children. We all want to feel special and loved. The problem is that our children often go about it the wrong way. They try to establish their sense of value by diminishing the value of their sibling. They seek to build themselves up by tearing their sibling down. In fact, the message they really are sending to their siblings is, “I am more special than you!”

How can you help your children feel special and loved in your family without their having to “win” at someone else’s expense?

Reaffirm your children’s true value
Your children’s value does not lie in their test scores or ability to kick a soccer ball into the goal but in the very nature of who they are. They are God’s creation, knit together in their mother’s womb by the very maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 139). We are reminded not to fall prey to the thinking patterns of this world but to understand our life and purpose from God’s perspective (Romans 12:2). God does not place value on us because of any goodness or merit on our part but because we are his creation and he desires to be in relationship with us (Genesis 1:26–27; Ephesians 1:3–8).

Regularly emphasize to your children the value you all have, both to God and to each other. In your family devotions, read passages such as Psalm 139; John 3:16; and Ephesians 1:3–8 together, personalizing them to each of you and emphasizing the great extent of God’s love for us and the value that he has undeservingly placed on each of us.

Such discussions will help underscore the true basis of your children’s value to God and to your family. In so doing, you will help them avoid the mistake of trying to build their sense of importance by looking at their own efforts or accomplishments. Instead, their true value is most clearly seen when they see themselves through their Savior’s eyes. Repeat these discussions as often as needed, reaffirming the importance and value of each of your children.

Redirect unhealthy competition
When you hear your children try to build their status by demoting their siblings, immediate redirection is in order. With guidance that is gentle yet firm, lead them toward finding a way to feel unique while showing respect for their siblings at the same time.

Example:
Kelly: “I got a hundred on my test. I heard that you barely scraped by.”

Tony: “Who asked you anyway?”

Mom: “Hey, I just want to make sure that you both gave it your best effort. But even more important to me is that you encourage each other.”

Comparing. Labeling. Competition. Three unwelcome intruders that try to divide and conquer your children’s sibling relationships. You can protect your children from these destructive forces by choosing constructive words and providing clear redirection when you see your children falling prey to these negative habits. As Solomon wrote, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). Let your words bring wisdom and healing into your children’s lives as you protect your family soil from these hurtful invaders.

This is part 3 of a 3-part series from Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry by Dr. Todd Cartmell. Part 1. Part 2.