Attacking the Roots of Sibling Rivalry, Part 1

by Dr. Todd Cartmell
6/2/2006
If you wanted your children to hate each other as quickly and deeply as possible, all you would need to do is season your daily conversation with a healthy dose of comparing. Comparing creates a me-against-you mentality. The positively compared child comes out looking like a goody-two-shoes and feels like she has to live up to a false image of who she really is. The negatively compared child feels like a loser, and settles into the role of the family black sheep. Either way, no one wins.

In my sibling workshops, I often ask the participants to complete this phrase: “Why can’t you be like your _____________?” They always fill in the blank correctly, enthusiastically shouting “brother” or “sister” to complete the sentence. We have all been there and know what it is like to be on either one end or the other of this type of damaging comparison.

Most parents compare one of two ways: deliberately or accidentally. With deliberate comparing, the intent is usually a misguided attempt to motivate the underachieving child.

Mom: “Matt, are you still working on that math sheet? Abby was finished with hers fifteen minutes ago!”

Dad: “Hey, is this what you call a clean room? Have you seen how Elena cleaned her room? Maybe you should take a look!”

Can you feel the cringe of failure or the surge or resentment that wells up in the recipient of these comparisons? Not only do they not motivate your child, they result in anger and bitterness toward either the person making the comparison (you) or the one who is making him or her look so bad (the sibling).

Other comparisons happen accidentally, when you may not even realize you’re making them. You may be congratulating Angela for a stellar report card, while David (who got mostly C’s) listens from the other end of the family room and silently shrinks into the carpet, feeling like a failure. While you didn’t intend your comment as a comparison, it was heard as one nonetheless.

How do you avoid these deadly comparisons that wreak havoc on your children’s self-esteem and sibling relationships?

Focus on one child at a time
Ask yourself what you would say if you had only one child. Without a sibling to compare your child to, you would focus on the problem she was experiencing or on her behavior. Even though you have several children, your goal is still the same: you want Johnny to do the best job that Johnny can do, not the best job that Susie can do. When you talk to Johnny, focus on the situation at hand and the specific behavior that you want him to change.

Point out each child’s strengths and achievements
Sitting in my office one evening, Paul confessed that he wasn’t a natural at giving his children positive attention. As we talked further, it became clear that Paul had never received much positive attention from his parents when he was a child. Without realizing it, Paul found himself re-creating the same negative atmosphere for his own children. You can be sure that when one of Paul’s children received any of his attention, the rest of the siblings felt immediate pangs of jealousy.

The law of supply and demand can help us understand why this is so. When there is little available prime property in a desirable area, the price goes up. This is because the demand exceeds the supply. However, when there is more available prime property than there are buyers for the property, the price goes down. The supply exceeds the demand.

You possess a special commodity for which there is a very high demand among your children: your attention. This is because attention from you means many important things to your children:

I am loved.
I am important.
I am noticed.
I matter.

Warm, nurturing parental attention has an extremely positive effect on sibling relationships. Research tells us that when parent-child relationships are warm and affectionate, there tend to be positive relationships among siblings. However, when parent-child relationships are distant or conflicted, there is usually more sibling conflict and aggression.

When positive parental attention doesn’t come around very often, as was the case in Paul’s family, children become jealous when a sibling gets a mom or dad’s attention and they don’t. However, if you provide nurturing attention on a regular basis to all your children, they learn very quickly that there is plenty of positive attention to go around. And Johnny will learn that a compliment for Susie does not mean one less compliment for him. There are more than enough compliments for everybody!

This is part one of a three-part series from Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry by Dr. Todd Cartmell