We Need to Dream
by Ginny Olson
Sometimes, when a girl is dissatisfied with her identity or has low self-esteem, she’ll seek to hide her true self behind a mask of a false self. She may wear the mask of “perfection,” striving to perform at unrealistic levels in all that she does: the essay must be flawless, the speech must get an A, the competition must be won, or the room must be spotless. Anything less than perfect means she’s to blame. She forgets that no one is perfect, and that God loves her for who she is, not for what she does.

A girl might put on the mask of “the good girl.” This is similar to the mask of perfection, except “perfection” focuses on tasks while this mask focuses on relationships. She must always win the approval of others—especially those in authority—even if it means losing her own self-approval. She avoids conflict, even to the point of denying her beliefs because it may cause a rift in the relationship. She goes the extra mile because that’s what a “good Christian girl” does. She operates without concern for her own emotional, spiritual, or physical well-being. The worst thing someone can say to someone wearing this mask is, “I’m so disappointed in you.” Those words can devastate her. For her, Romans 3:23 is a daily reality. Everyone may have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but her sin is worse. That’s why she must work so hard for approval. She wonders if she’ll ever get the approval and affirmation she needs. She doesn’t understand that God’s grace and love are free for the asking.

She may wear the mask of “strong girl” when she wants to communicate that she’s tough and confident. When she wears this mask, her feelings of inadequacy and insecurity are hidden. She doesn’t cry, doesn’t feel lonely, doesn’t need anyone else’s help. She’s FINE. When a girl wears this mask, she becomes Leah—covering up her pain over not being chosen and needing to be loved. But she forgets that Hannah sobbed her heart out over not having a child; that Esther was terrified at having to take a stand; that Ruth must have felt horribly lonely after leaving the place where she grew up; and that the woman who was bleeding for so many years felt such desperation that she would reach out and touch God in public, just for the chance to be healed.

These and other masks can hide an adolescent girl’s true self. The difference between wearing these masks and trying on identities is that wearing a mask is all about gaining other people’s approval for our identities rather than our own approval. When a teenage girl is trying on a mask, she’s seeing if someone else likes her better with it on, and she’ll hide her true self behind it. But when she’s trying on an identity, she’s testing to see if she likes who she is: Is this a part of her persona that she hasn’t realized yet? Does this feel authentic to her or not? This isn’t an easy process, and there can be pain and confusion as she wrestles with who she is and who she’s becoming. It’s difficult for her to realize that her identity is constantly forming. It’s not to be “achieved;” it’s a process.

As youth workers, it’s crucial that we surround girls with positive messages about who they are and who they can become. They sometimes need us to dream with them about what God envisions for their lives. I was having coffee with Tessa one day, and we were talking about her life. Tessa had a rough time growing up. Her father abandoned her, teachers overlooked her, and the local church was absent in her family’s life.

I’d known Tessa for quite a while. She’s a remarkable young woman. Even with all the negative forces she’d dealt with growing up, she survived. She’s amazingly gifted and could choose a number of paths in life; we talked about those. What if she became a lawyer and advocated for abandoned children? What if she became a doctor and worked with the disenfranchised? What if she became a pastor and reached out to girls like her? Any of those were viable options for her.

As we were leaving the diner at the end of our conversation, she stopped me. “Can we do this again sometime? I’ve never had anyone dream with me before.” We need to dream with our girls, helping them envision identities that are grounded in Scripture and developed in God’s love.

From Teenage Girls: Exploring Issues Adolescent Girls Face and Strategies to Help Them by Ginny Olson