Four Common Marriage Myths
by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott
The belief in a happily-ever-after marriage is one of the most widely held and destructive marriage myths. But it is only the tip of the marital-myth iceberg. Every difficult marriage is plagued by a vast assortment of misconceptions about what marriage should be. In this article, however, we consider only those ideas that are most harmful and most common:

1. “We expect exactly the same things from marriage.”
2. “Everything good in our relationship will get better.”
3. “Everything bad in my life will disappear.”
4. “My spouse will make me whole.”

For too long, marriage has been saddled with unrealistic expectations and misguided assumptions. Liberated from these four myths, couples can settle into the real world of marriage—with all its joys and sorrows, passion and pain.

Myth One: “We Expect Exactly the Same Things from Marriage”
What we anticipate seldom occurs, what we least expect generally happens—especially in marriage. Saying “I do” brings with it a host of conscious and unconscious expectations that aren’t always fulfilled.

Most incongruous expectations fall into two major categories: unspoken rules and unconscious roles. Bringing both of them out into the open can save years of wear and tear on a young marriage.

We have helped the couples we counsel to become more aware of their unspoken rules, to keep little problems from becoming big ones. Here is a sampling of the rules we have heard from other couples:

• Don’t interrupt another’s work.
• Always buy organic fruits and vegetables.
• Don’t ask for help unless you are desperate.
• Downplay your successes.
• Always leave the butter on the counter (not in the fridge).
• Don’t work too long or too hard.
• Always celebrate birthdays in a big way.
• Never raise your voice.
• Don’t talk about your body.
• Always be on time.
• Clean the kitchen before you go to bed.
• Don’t talk about your feelings.
• Always pay bills the day they arrive.
• Don’t drive fast.
• Never buy dessert at a restaurant.
• Only use a credit card in an emergency.
• Don’t buy expensive gifts.

The second source of mismatched expectations involves the unconscious roles that you and your partner fall into, almost involuntarily. Just as an actor in a dramatic performance follows a script, so do married couples. Without knowing it, a bride and groom are drawn into acting out roles that they form from a blend of their personal dispositions, family backgrounds, and marital expectations.

Of course, there are an endless number of unconscious roles husbands and wives fall into. Some of the more common ones include:

• the planner
• the navigator
• the shopper
• the money manager
• the secret-keeper
• the cook
• the comedian
• the gift-buyer
• the cleaner

If you are like most couples, you will try to follow a script that was written by the role models you grew up with. Being aware of this natural tendency is often all it takes to save you from a disappointing drama. Once you are aware of the roles you each tend to take, you can then discuss how to write a new script together.

Myth Two: “Everything Good in Our Relationship Will Get Better”
The truth is that not everything gets better. Many things improve in relationships, but some things become more difficult. Every successful marriage requires necessary losses, and in choosing to marry, you inevitably go through a mourning process.

For starters, marriage is a rite of passage that often means giving up childhood. It means giving up a carefree lifestyle and coming to terms with new limits. It means unexpected inconveniences.

Mike Mason, in his delightful book The Mystery of Marriage, likens marriage to a tree growing up through the center of one’s living room. “It is something that is just there, and it is huge, and everything has been built around it, and wherever one happens to be going—to the fridge, to bed, to the bathroom, or out the front door—the tree has to be taken into account. It cannot be gone through; it must respectfully be gone around. ... It is beautiful, unique, exotic: but also, let’s face it, it is at times an enormous inconvenience.”

Marriage is filled with both enjoyable and tedious trade-offs, but by far the most dramatic loss experienced in a new marriage is the idealized image you have of your partner. This was the toughest myth we encountered in our marriage. Each of us had an airbrushed mental picture of who the other was. But eventually, married life asked us to look reality square in the face and reckon with the fact that we did not marry the person we thought we did. And—brace yourself—neither will you. Here’s the good news: Disenchantment enables you to move into a deeper intimacy.

Myth Three: “Everything Bad in My Life Will Disappear”
This myth has been handed down through countless generations, and its widespread appeal is epitomized in such storybook legends as Cinderella. In this story, a poor stepdaughter who toils as a servant for her wicked stepfamily is rescued by a handsome and gallant Prince Charming. They fall in love and “live happily ever after.”

No matter that Cinderella has been socialized to feel at home among the kitchen ashes and would have no idea how to behave in the pomp and circumstance of the royal court. No matter that Prince Charming has grown up in an entirely different culture and acquired its education, tastes, and manners. No matter that the two of them know nothing about each other’s attitudes toward the roles of wives and husbands. All they have in common is a glass slipper and a foot that fits it!

“Of course, love doesn’t work that way,” you say. “It’s just a child’s fable.” That’s true. But deep down, we long for a Prince Charming or Cinderella to right the wrongs and make everything bad go away.

Many people marry to avoid or escape unpleasantness. But no matter how glorious the institution of marriage, it is not a substitute for the difficult work of inner spiritual healing. Marriage does not erase personal pain or eliminate loneliness. Why? Because people get married primarily to further their own well-being, not to take care of their partner’s needs. The bad traits and feelings you carried around before you were married remain with you as you leave the wedding chapel. A marriage certificate is not a magical glass slipper.

Marriage is, in actual fact, just a way of living. Before marriage, we don’t expect life to be all sunshine and roses, but we seem to expect life after marriage to be that way. Psychiatrist John Levy, who counsels many married couples, writes that “people who have found everything disappointing are surprised and pained when marriage proves no exception. Most of the complaints about ... matrimony arise not because it is worse than the rest of life, but because it is not incomparably better.”

Getting married cannot instantly cure all our ills, but marriage can become a powerful healing agent over time. If you are patient, marriage can help you overcome even some of the toughest of tribulations.

In Getting the Love You Want, pastoral psychotherapist Harvell Hendrix explains that a healthy marriage becomes a place to wrap up unfinished business from childhood. The healing process begins gradually by uncovering and acknowledging our unresolved childhood issues. The healing continues through the years as we allow our spouses to love us and as we learn how to love them.

Myth Four: “My Spouse Will Make Me Whole”
The old saying “opposites attract” is based on the phenomenon that many individuals are drawn to people who complement them—who are good at things that they are not, who complete them in some way.

The book of Proverbs says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Our incompleteness and differences give iron its roughness, its sharpening power. Marriage is a God-given way to improve and hone our beings. Marriage challenges us to new heights and calls us to be the best person possible, but neither marriage nor our partner will magically make us whole.

This myth usually begins with the belief that successful couples are “meant to be” and “made for each other.” We have counseled numerous people who, having difficulties in their marriage, felt they had chosen the wrong person to marry. If only they had chosen “Mr. Right” or “Ms. Right,” everything would have worked out. C’mon! It’s ludicrous to believe that successful marriages depend on discovering the one person out of the more than six billion people on this earth who is just right for you. If you are single, the fact that there is no “one and only” does not mitigate careful screening of prospective spouses. But if you are married and are complaining because your marriage partner does not make you instantly “complete,” that doesn’t necessarily mean that you married the wrong person.

Couples who swallow the myth that their spouse will make them whole become dependent on their partner in a way that is by all standards unhealthy. These couples cultivate what experts call an enmeshed relationship, characterized by a general reliance on their spouse for continual support, assurance, and wholeness. It is usually coupled with low self-esteem and a sense of inferiority that is easily controlled by their partner.

Dependent partners desire happiness, not personal growth. They are not interested in nourishing the relationship but in being nourished by their partner. They believe the lie that says they will effortlessly be made whole simply by being married.

The opposite of an enmeshed marriage is a relationship of rugged self-reliance, often called the disengaged relationship. The term reflects the isolation and independence of spouses who are attempting to earn their sense of wholeness by relying on no one, even their marriage partner. These people, too, are trying in vain to compensate for their feelings of inferiority.

A sense of wholeness can never be achieved either in an enmeshed or in a disengaged relationship. Both are deeply flawed and dangerous. Instead, wholeness is found in an interdependent relationship, in which two people with self-respect and dignity make a commitment to nurture their own spiritual growth, as well as their partner’s. They could stand on their own, but they choose to be together. The relationship involves mutual influence and emotional support.

Like separate strings of a lute that quiver with the same music, there is beauty in a marriage that respects the individuality of its partners. In an interdependent marriage, joy is doubled, and sorrow is cut in half.

If you are discouraged by having held such fables as truth, take heart. Everyone enters marriage believing these falsehoods to some degree. And every successful marriage patiently works to challenge and debunk these myths.

From Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before—and After—You Marry by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott